In a world filled with noise, listening has become a rare and precious skill. We often focus on speaking, sharing, or even waiting for our turn to talk. But how often do we genuinely listen? How often do we stop and make the conversation about the other person, not about ourselves or what we want to say next?
Listening is more than just the act of hearing words. It’s about fully engaging with what the speaker is saying, without shifting the conversation onto another topic or onto ourselves. Too often, we unknowingly divert the conversation, thinking we’re being helpful or relatable, but we lose the essence of what the other person is trying to communicate.
Sociologist Howard Becker offers a simple yet profound approach: ask questions when you don’t understand. He says, “I’m not sure I’m a better listener than anyone else, but if I hear something I don’t understand, I ask about it.” In this small act of curiosity, we find the heart of listening—seeking to understand, not just to respond. The worst questions are the ones we never ask, the moments we let slip by without seeking clarity.
In There Is No Good Card for This: What To Do and Say When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love, authors Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell share their wisdom about how to navigate difficult conversations. They advise against common impulses that shift the focus away from the speaker. When someone is sharing their pain or challenges, it’s easy to fall into these traps:
- Claiming to know how they feel
- Trying to identify the root cause of their problem
- Offering solutions or advice
- Minimizing their concerns
- Using forced positivity or platitudes to “fix” the situation
- Admiring their strength in a way that feels dismissive
Each of these actions, though often well-meaning, diverts attention from the speaker and their emotions. The truth is, people don’t always need answers. More often than not, they need to feel heard.
Good listeners, in contrast, are also great questioners. They don’t interrupt or impose their thoughts. Instead, they ask thoughtful questions, allowing the speaker to go deeper and feel understood. Listening, at its core, is about supporting the speaker’s narrative without shifting the focus.
Many renowned writers have highlighted the importance of listening in their craft. Pulitzer Prize-winning author Elizabeth Strout is one of them. “I have listened all my life. I just listen and listen and listen,” she shared in an interview. One of her characters in The Burgess Boys says, “People are always telling you who they are.” This powerful line reflects the idea that if we pay attention, people reveal themselves in every conversation. Strout believes that most people aren’t listening closely enough, and this lack of attention prevents us from truly understanding one another.
Listening is not just a skill; it’s a practice. It requires presence, patience, and empathy. In a world where everyone is eager to share their thoughts, those who can pause and fully absorb what others are saying stand out. Listening is how we connect, how we build trust, and how we show others that their words, thoughts, and feelings matter.
At its best, listening transforms relationships. It deepens our understanding of those around us and allows us to support them in ways they truly need. In a fast-paced world where conversations can feel transactional, the gift of listening is invaluable.
In our personal and professional lives, we should aim to be the kind of listener who makes others feel seen and heard. Whether it’s in a business meeting, a heart-to-heart with a friend, or even a casual conversation with a colleague, the ability to listen with intention can make all the difference.
So, the next time you find yourself in a conversation, resist the urge to shift the topic or provide a solution. Instead, ask questions, listen carefully, and offer your full attention. Because in the end, listening is not just about hearing words—it’s about hearing people.